A session between Indian parents-part 2

Not gonna give much of an intro filled with dramatic dialogues . I’m not an Indian parent. Duh

1. I am in a relationship. (Son says)

Ladki virgin toh hai naa?

( nahi uncle , bedsheet pe red stain nahi milenge)

2. Pehli baat , that’s so regressive. Second I’m in a relationship with a boy.

Hearing the first part of the sentence, the uncle-aunty are just going to start with hamare Zamane mein wali bullshit ,

And then they hear his second sentence.

Ek parent doctor mehra ko call lagata hai,jo btw ek general physician hai aur doosra panditji ka whatsapp number nikal hee raha hai.

Jokes and humour aside, Madras High Court has banned conversion therapy. Get yourself updated both with the news as well as your pathetic mindset.

Bottom Line: Supreme Court ne Babar azam ke time ka section struck off kar diya, yeh log “hamare zamane” pe atke hue hai.

3. I am in a relationship. ( girl) btw this time it’s a heterosexual one

Virgin toh ho naa?

Ladka apne caste ka toh hai naa?

Kamata Kitna hai?

Isne humare khandaan pe mitti miladi.

( one of the parents is a bloody Ekta Kapoor Serial fan)

And ek toh khandaan word nikalo koi dictionary se. Ladka rxpe karke jail jaaye tab khandaan ko kuch nahi hota, ladki consensual sex kare(yes a thing called consent exists chauvinist pigs) ,toh woh tumhare supposed “khandaan” ki naak kata deti hai.

Jaa behna, kaan mooh sab katwade

Anyways next statement.

4. I don’t want to get married and all. Aur woh xyz religion ka hai.

Virgin toh hai naa tu?

( nahi aunty do baari pregnant ho chuki)

Pehle kisi aur jaat ka banda pakad laai. Ab shaadi bhi nahi karni. Ruk mein sharma ji se baath karta hoon. Unka beta abhi booked nahi hai.

5. Arey but I don’t like that sharmaji ka beta papa.

Like kya hota hai. Kisi aur religion ke ladke ke saath chakkar mein hai. Pata hai padosi wali aunty kya kahegi. Unki beti ki abhi shaadi hui hai.

Aur shaadi ke baath like wike sab ho jaata hai.

6. Accha tu aapka chakkar kyon chala tha .

And then comes the act of raising hand on the child. Which btw is physical abuse but issh India mein aisa kuch mat bolna.

Chaata hee toh maara hai, honor killing thodi naa ki hai.

7. I want to do ________ Hons.( samajhlo medical, engineering, eco hons,bba ,MBA nahi hai)

Have you lost your mind?

Job nahi milegi.

Phir ladka nahi milega.

Phir sex kar legi.

Drugs bhi shuru.

Phir non virgin aur druggie dono.

Phir pregnant ho jayegi. Phir Aryan Khan ki Tarah jail chali jayegi.

8. I don’t want to have kids.

Abhi toh sabhi bolte hai. Khud bacche karne ka man karega.

5 years later with 3 kids.

My uterus and my brain were still not ready.

But neither were 2 sets of baby producing “khandaani” monsters ready to accept a woman who makes her own goddamn reproductive choices.

Arey reproductive choice jaisa bhi kuch hota hai, sunne mein toh bahut accha lagta hai. Mammi ko batake aata hoon.( tHe hUsBaNd)

9. Mujhe director banna hai.

Ban naa itne MNC hai. MBA kar.

Arey, films mein

Accha tere baap ke paise toh ped pe ugte hai naa ?

Mammi bhi kamati hai.

Kya bola?

Arey mammi papa karne do naa. Let me try.

Haa try kar jabtak try karega, MBA choot jayegi. Phir shaadi. Phir Bina bacche ke marega.

Bacche kaha se aa gaye?

Aur bombay jaana hai?

Haa Matlab….

Ek kaam kyon nahi karta sharabi bhi banja?

Kya?

Arey waha jayega Rhea Chakraborty aur Aryan khan se dosti karega?

Whatt?

Haa aur kya . Yahi toh hota hai naa Bombay mein.

3 yrs later. One MBA . 20 marriage proposals . (Btw ladke ki job the city of dreams drugs mein hai)

Unlimited regrets.

Par regret kis cheez ka, ladka MBA hai.

( My mother says: Bahar apne grave ke likh Wana mein MBA Mara tha )

10 and the last( mujhe jaana hai, papa bula rahe to have “the career talk” just kidding , warna abhi mere haath kaap rahe hote)

Beti, virgin toh ho naa???

Get Real

1.Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who is the strongest of all?

An individual present in an election rally without masks.

2.  Bura mat dekho, bura mat suno , bura mat bolo.
Then why is a damn thing called TV debates existent?

3. Name one thing Arnab Goswami and Ekta Kapoor have in common.

Tell me a thing they don’t.

4.  Comedians are banned because they hurt religious feelings.
Priests are not when they ask people to mass murder innocents .

Bottom line.
The religion industry sells more than the entertainment one.
And that “stupid” minority-majority  argument ,
Come on,
Congress and BJP haven’t come out with their election manifesto for the General elections yet.

5.  Women are emotional and irrational when it comes to employing them in higher positions,
And the same women are then supposed to become mature mothers when taking care of your immature sons.

6. Grow up,
They told her.
You are a woman of 60. You can’t wear a lipstick . You can’t find love .
You can’t see the world.
Just remain dependent on your immature children who still haven’t learnt how to tie their laces .
That’s your job.

And she said, shut up bitch . I’m currently on a world tour with a fashion sense no one can beat. Ttyl.

7. A man is supposed to protect a woman,
Yes absolutely.
First tell him to cook his own omlette for a change , then we will talk about how muscular he is.

The Battleground

Sitting in my room,

My head hidden under the pillow,

Suppressing the noises;

I was alone in my house.

With my own fears and mistakes.

 

Breathing heavily,

I finally opened my eyes to see that my room was still the same.

The world was still the place which had always terrified me.

Maybe it will always continue to.

And maybe I was in a battle which many fought.

Some lost, some won, some gave up, some forfeited.

 

As I walked to the window,

I saw young kids playing on the spooky streets.

Maybe they were eerie just to me.

Maybe this battle wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

But before I fought it, I needed some rest.

And so I went, lying my head on the same pillow,

Fighting my inhibitions even in my nightmares.

 

But I was damn sure that one day they would turn into the sweet dreams,

Everyone wished me.

 

The war remains to be fought,

And I will let them choose the battleground.

 


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Hypocrisy

The art of believing in something so passionately, that you are able to impose each and every restriction that comes with that  belief on everyone in this whole world ,

But yet you do make sure that there remains certain exceptions with it.
That certain exception is you.

Do you know what that art is called?
Hypocrisy.
And do you know another great fact associated with hypocrisy ?
It might start end with H but always ends with I.

Democracy

The first time we heard the term democracy ,
Politicians were fighting for votes, not the people.
The first time we read democracy ,
It was in a political science textbook .
Defined using vague words and explained using bookish language  ,
Just meant to cram and vomit in an exam .

And the first time we tried to understand democracy by asking questions ,
We were anti-nationals ,
Smearing the name of the world’s largest democracy.

Because a democracy is as defined in the books,
As told by the leaders,
And as allowed by the politicians .

No questions asked in a sovereign socialist Republic.

Democracy…

Kitcheniarchy

Yes, I am back. Again with my ranting. Again with the same “vendatta” against our Indian culture.

And again talking about the same old centuries old patriarchy prevailing in our kitchens. Haan waapis se, but then patriarchy has been there since even before the phrase “once upon a time”, so why should I care??

Kitchen- what is a kitchen?

Yah stupid question . Of course.

It’s even more stupid than asking a man to enter it. I know yeah.

Now I am a 11th class CBSE student. Haan boards cancel ho gaye. Uski baath nahi Kar rahi.

I am talking about the language and stereotypes promoted in the books.

For example: when we will talk about the difference between economic and non-economic activity, paid and unpaid work.

Sabse pehla example of unpaid work: mother cooking in kitchen.

Finish.

Then even in classroom discussions. You know a science teacher would be talking about acids and bases or something(chhod di maine science).

There she will again mention go and ask your mother to show you the detergent . Or some ingredient used to cook. They will always tell you- Go and ask your mother.

Han Indian fathers have not moved beyond the cupboard reserved for snacks. Have they?? Because if they have, then why not mention it in normal examples?

Now some will find this utterly nonsense, or unimportant or overthinking or woh market mein aaj kal kya Naya nikhla hai,

Haan Feminazi?

Okay without responding to such utterly frivolous arguments and wasting my time which I could have utilized in watching Karan Johar movies(BTW that’s a big joke, yeh drama wala part politicians ke speeches se fulfill ho jaata hai)

Traditionally, in our chauvinist world, we have always segregated work according to our egos, our insecurities and our inbuilt patriarchy.

Okay how many of us have heard the phrase “women belong to the kitchen”?

First of all, even today we find more men chefs than women ( jab pese kamane ki baari aayi)

So first of all your statement is inaccurately patriarchal.

Like be precise so that we can refute it. Be precise because patriarchy is a very precise endeavor (just kidding, though definitely it is a really annoying endeavor)

Five star ka multi cuisine kitchen mein banana aur phir babysitter ki Tarah apne pati aur bacchon ko khilana is what do they call it-patni dharm ( I am sure I’m going to be a big sinner if I ever get married then, and definetly a proud sinner)

And jab vahi cheez se pese kamane ki baari aati hai, toh our dear men shud get the jobs. Kyon bhai? Kisikey baraat mein aaye ho tum?

Like , It has been culturally engraved in our minds to picture our mothers working in the kitchen as soon as we hear the term “maa ka pyaar”.

Pati ke dil ka raasta uske pet se Hokar jaata hai.

How many of us have heard this beautiful shit?

First of all. Yeh kaunsi biology hai. I mean I am also a full 10th pass in biology. I know the pulmonary valves in the heart as well. Stomach mein kaunsi enzymes secrets hoti hai woh bhi pata hai. (Pre board mein aaya bhi tha q)

Back to the point.

Yah. So after marriage remember girls,

Your husband is bound to become the judge of Master Chef Australia.

(I Will Not Say All Men, but again all Women)

Sometimes there will be less sugar, sometimes less spice,

And for the beer there will always be less ice.

While I absolutely concur with the sheer pathetic nature of the afore mentioned lines both in letter and spirit,

I would like to appeal to each damn person on this absurd planet,

Let’s try to remove our kitchenairchy. Let’s quote examples of men working in the kitchen, in our washing powder and ghari detergent ads and on and on and on. And please let’s stop those raja beta tropes.

Because if you believe ur sons to be kings of a kingdom that will never exist, have the heart, soul, mind and most importantly the stomach to live with the queens . Then don’t call their wants and needs “tantrums”. Dont call them drama queens.

Raja betas humare desh mein drama kings nahi hai. Lekin Agar ek ladki saamne se bolde ki mein aaj khana nahi banaungi, toh woh ghar ujaad rahi hai.

Women are not Fevicol. They are not supposed to “join” homes. They’re not ur personal chefs . Neither ur secretaries .

Yeh jo hindi picturon se romanticize kiya hai naa. Ki biwi pati ka handkerchief, kapde,tie blah blah blah har din nikal rahi hai, this is not bloody romantic. This is bloody foolish.

Irrespective of whether your spouse is a homemaker, you are supposed to be a goddamn human being who can dress up on their own and remember to switch on the geyser.

And please remember if cred ads are the world, then patriarchy is the windshield of every car in Indra Nagar and there r going to be many Rahul Dravids in that spirit.

Indra Nagar ka metaphor koi aur dhoondlo.

Let’s try to remove our unconscious biases people. As book makers, authors, publishers, teachers, students, And basically every other person.

Kyonki patriarchy ke aage hee, jeet hai.

(And that includes criticizing the toxic masculinity often promoted in these ads)

Patriarchy- a confused shit

When a cis-man rxpes a woman,
It always comes down to,
He is just a boy,
He is irresponsible.
When it comes to fixing of age for marriage,
Girls should have lesser age,
Boys are irresponsible.
They don’t mature that fast.
When it comes to cis men cheating on their partners,
It comes to ,
Boys are irresponsible. Move on.
The girl he was with, she was characterless;
getting involved with an irresponsible married man oops boy.

So basically patriarchy says,
“Men are irresponsible “.
Yet when it comes to positions of power ,
Men should have them .

The house is a sphere for the women.
It’s their place.
Yet no woman dare eat before the ‘man of the house’ eats.
It’s their job.
Yet the person who will find faults with “their” job shouldn’t be interfering in this sphere.
He should be doing “responsible ” works.
Like managing companies, sports, even countries.
And at the same time be irresponsible enough to not “control” himself from committing sexual assault .

I mean patriarchy is not only unscientific and absurd shit.
It is a confused entity which doesn’t even know what the hell it wants. …

The Fiery rain

As she walked in the heavy rain,
Her Fire knew no calm.
She was drenched from head to toe in those droplets which were meant to soothe her.
Maybe in a weird way they did provide comfort to her,
And the fire that was picking up speed.
She walked the deserted streets,
Knowing nothing new , nothing old.
Just a state where she could connect with herself.
A place where she knew she was standing on the crossroads of past and future,
The crossroad known as her present.
And as she spread her arms and twirled her body,
Smile lighting up on her face with the fusion of her fire and the spilling of the droplets,
A thunder roared behind her.
Silencing the noises…..

The race

For some people,
Whatever you do will never be enough.
They will always keep you on a pedestal,
Somewhere on top,
When you will look down ,
The only thing you will see is a happier version of yourself.
You left in trying to reach that pedestal,
A pedestal which is still not enough for them.
And one day that pedestal will not be enough for you as well.

Because the only thing we have been told to run behind are imaginary pedestals of money, marks, jobs , foreign universities.
Until the day we decide to jump off the pedestal.
And if someone prefers a pedestal more than you,
Tell them to achieve those standards on their own.
Cause we are not standardized commodities or dresses in a Zara sale vying for the attention of customers,
We are humans. And we deserve to walk instead of running.

Run ahead of things ,
Don’t run behind them.

On our Afghan Women

The voices have been silenced.
Silenced again into the Era of darkness.
They’re no longer women .
Women teachers, women doctors, women activists , women politicians.
They’re no longer young girls with dreamy little eyes.
They’re in there eyes, criminals,
“Terrorists”,
Because somehow by reading a book and taking a pen in their hands,
They violated the teachings of God.
Teachings which they were supposed to understand without ever reading them.
Without ever “understanding” them.

They will be rxped, in the name of producing “warriors”,
Warriors who will slap a girl walking in the street because she was wearing a ring in her finger.

They will be hit publicly, denounced as lowly beings,
Why?
Maybe because she tried to escape a marriage ,
Maybe because she tried to treat herself as a human.

Maybe because she was a 12 year old who loved reading magazines and had hidden them in some corner of her house, thinking that maybe the woman on the cover will soon be her.

But those frivolous dreams or characterless dreams as they would say,
Need to be suppressed.
And she needs to give birth to many boys.
To justify her existence.

You either abide by the rules, or you die.
And as they say history never lies,
It always repeats.
And abiding by these rules is just as worse as death if not more.
Living a thousand deaths,
These women have been silenced.
Silenced again into the Era of silence.

Snow white and shit

Ever imagine if once upon a time,
Snow white was killed,
What would happen?
Maybe the evil witch would become the fairest of all,
An even more racist and self centered version of herself.

Maybe the 7 cute dwarfs would have a more peaceful life where they wouldn’t have to remind a helpless but seemingly grown up maiden in distress not to open the damn door for strangers,

Especially when you live in the middle of the forest,
And especially when someone hates you for being fairer that her.

Maybe the man she sent to kill her ,
Will become a local goon,
Earning money by killing people.

And the prince.
Well he will find another princess to kiss when she is asleep,
Instead of calling a damn doctor.

Racism, sexual assault, abuse, stereotypes – all of this shit
Has thus been taught to our beautiful young kids as a fairytale.

‘Cause as they say,
All is well that ends well.
Right?

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